


How Did You Know?

by VICTORKISSEDYURRI



Series: Kevin Day and The Adventures of His Sexuality [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, bc it's kevin, kevin is gay and that's okay, kevin rly likes jeremy, nicky helps kevin talk about his sexuality, nothing graphic but riko is an asshole, soz but kevin and nicky are my brotp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 03:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9217724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VICTORKISSEDYURRI/pseuds/VICTORKISSEDYURRI
Summary: Kevin, however, had to be a number of things – a pet, a plaything, the world’s runner up, the good-but-just-not-good-enough brother to the King of Exy – and none of them could be gay. Gay would ruin his career. Gay would ruin his life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> just warning - this is bad. I was drunk and emotional when I wrote this, I found it on my laptop and thought "lol nah fuck it" this is legit just a flow of writing that's probably rly rly shit, blame my drunk self  
> ((also yes, I spent a night drunkenly writing fanfiction so sue me))

It hadn’t ever occurred to Kevin before that perhaps he wasn’t, well, exactly all that, well, _straight_. He’d never had time to think about it. He had too much to lose. The Nest was not the best place for figuring yourself out. You were a Raven, it was the only thing you could be. Kevin, however, had to be a number of things – a pet, a plaything, the world’s runner up, the good-but-just-not-good-enough brother to the King of Exy – and none of them could be _gay_. Gay would ruin his career. Gay would ruin his life.

The first time Riko kissed him, Kevin was ten and Riko meant the world to him. Riko was his entire life, they were obsessed with each other and when they weren’t together, which wasn’t very often, they were thinking of when they would be together next. But Kevin was afraid of Riko and his cruelty and so he had cried when Riko had kissed him because Riko had bit down hard on his lip and held his jaw too tightly and it hurt and it didn’t feel right, but at the same time it did, and Kevin had cried harder when Riko hit him for pushing him away.

Riko never kissed him again.

Kevin, raised a pet, had listened to every word that came out of Riko’s mouth. Sometimes, and only sometimes, Kevin dreamed about wrapping his hands around Riko’s throat to stop the string of insults flowing from his lips. Kevin kept his hair long for Riko, had dressed in the clothes Riko wanted him to wear, slept with the girls Riko wanted him to sleep with, talked to who Riko wanted him to talk to – Kevin was now fully aware that Riko had conditioned him to never be able to live without his presence, but at that time Kevin just thought Riko loved him.

The first-time Kevin had sex with Riko they were sixteen and Kevin thought it was the right thing to do.

The second-time Kevin had sex with Riko, he was drunk and high and it didn’t hurt as much as the first time.

He didn’t get off both times. When Riko finished, he sneered at Kevin and left. Kevin, both times, snorted something or another and let himself pass out on the floor next to his bed. Before sex, Riko would pet his hair and coo at him and it reminded Kevin of why he loved him in the first place. Kevin was then quickly reminded of why he was scared of Riko.

The first-time Kevin saw Jeremy Knox he thought he was going to pass out if he didn’t touch the Trojan captain’s arms or kiss his neck or, at the very least, get a smile directed his way. It was this encounter that made Kevin think _oh, oh this might be a problem_. Because it wasn’t just Riko, it was this other _boy_. And Thea was pretty but she wasn’t Jeremy, and he thought boy kisses must have been different than girl kisses and Jeremy kisses must have been different than Riko kisses**. Kevin supposed that most kisses were different than Riko kisses but also supposed, for some time, that he wouldn’t ever find out.

Kevin thought, with a great degree of annoyance, that it was the Foxes fault for making him so Goddamn emotional. He was fine with drinking until he passed out as long as he could play the next game, was fine with living within Riko’s rules because at least it was safe, at least it was familiar and predicable – the Foxes were unpredictable and Kevin wanted to throw up the first time he saw them play.

“How did you know you didn’t swing?” Kevin asked, drunk and slow.

Neil blinked at him. “Um.”

“No,” Kevin said, “how did, uh, how did you know, you know, _know_.”

“How did you know you were straight?” Neil shot back hotly – Kevin had reason to believe Neil was always ready for a fight and said everything with some degree of hostility.

Kevin shrugged and mumbled something unintelligible before downing another two shots of Vodka. He played with the last glass before looking at Neil with half-lidded eyes. He was tired.

“Oh.” Neil said. “Oh. I thought – I thought you and Thea – I never – “

“It doesn’t matter,” Kevin scowled. “I’m not – “He couldn’t say it. Even now, he couldn’t say it. He thought of Riko and his snarling face, his own bloody hand, prodding bone, panicked begging – faggot, faggot, faggot.

_“How can a faggot be better than me?” Riko kicked him across the cheek, catching Kevin’s nose with his heel._

_“I’m not, I’m not,” Kevin wasn’t entirely sure which accusation he was denying._

“You could ask Nicky.” Neil’s voice drowned out Riko, not for the first time.

Kevin looked at Neil like he’d grown a second head, like he’d just told Kevin he adored his father, like he’d just agreed to eat according to Kevin’s written out health plan.

“Okay,” Neil said, “stupid suggestion.”

“How do you know anything,” Kevin whined drunkenly, “how is anyone sure of anything?”

Neil shrugged, “When you find out, tell me.”

 

* * *

 

 

“As I told you before, your form could use a lot more work and – Nicky? Are you even listening to me?”

Nicky continued to tap on his phone, “No, not really.”

Kevin scowled and attempted to swat Nicky’s phone away.

“Stop!” Nicky squawked indignantly, “I’m talking to Erik!”

Kevin let Nicky snatched his phone back while he stood awkwardly in front of him, hands wrung together in a somewhat nervous action.

“Nicky,” Kevin said after some time – he’d left the room and paced back and forth across the length of his dorm for an hour, drank a bottle of vodka like a bottle of water and stalked back into the room, shoulders hunched.

“Yup,” Nicky nodded, still tapping on his phone.

“How did you know you were gay?”

The tapping stopped. Kevin looked away.

“What?”

Kevin clenched his hands and cursed Neil for ever planting such a stupid idea in his head. That stupid runaway was still causing trouble, even if he wasn’t actively a subject of attempted murder.

“Kevin,” Nicky said, “what did you say?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kevin quickly dismissed, he was too angry with himself to be embarrassed. He’d have a breakdown about it later. “Just, just work on your form, you’re letting the team down.”

“Kevin,” Nicky said again and he looked more serious than Kevin had ever seen him, “What’s up?”

The words _I’m gay_ were too big to fit in Kevin’s mouth, if he were to say it he might explode, might hate himself. Nicky seemed to understand.

“Are you,” Nicky struggled a bit, but managed to give Kevin a comforting smile when he flinched, “not straight?”

Kevin wanted to snap, he wanted to lash out and hurl insults at Nicky until the boy scurried away, he then wanted to finish off the bottle of vodka he’d started and forget the feel of Riko’s hands on his body but – Kevin also wanted to stop running, he wasn’t like Neil, he couldn’t do it forever. So, he said, “I don’t know.”

A part of him wanted to tell Nicky he’d slept with Riko, and ask him if that made a difference, if this was all just something Riko had conditioned into him, he wanted to ask Nicky if it ever got less confusing, but he couldn’t find the words, and even if he could he wouldn’t have been able to say it, there was a million reasons why he couldn’t, “I don’t know.” Was what he settled for.

“You don’t have to know,” Nicky said and it was so simple that Kevin felt frustration run through his bones, “sometimes people never know. You have your entire life to figure this out, you’ve got all the time in the world.”

And God, wasn’t that a terrifying, splendid thing.

“Kevin,”

Kevin looked at Nicky.

“remember,” he smiled, “you managed to fix a broken hot mess of a team with one hand, you won against your abuser, so, no matter how long it takes to figure things out, you got this. And hey! Look on the bright side: you won’t have to do this alone.”

Kevin thought of Andrew holding him up, of Neil and his unwavering ~~stupidity~~ bravery which had started a fire in the pit of his own stomach and of how they had, in their own way, saved him. He thought of Allison and Dan and Renee, all people who stood taller and shone brighter Riko and his Ravens’. He thought of Matt, of Aaron, of Abby and Bee and of Coach – of his father. And he thought of Jeremy and Jean, people he had hurt and wondered if he would have the compassion to love so fiercely if it meant breaking his heart. (Maybe he could, one day, when the sky was finally clear of ravens).

Riko had loved him, Kevin knew that, but he had never loved him like they did.

“I’ve got a lifetime of knowledge, Day,” Nicky grinned, “you can come to me whenever. You got this."

Kevin believed him.

 

* * *

 

 

**((Jeremy kisses were indeed different than Riko kisses.))


End file.
